How Do You Milk A Cow?
by Rhymes BaleConlon
Summary: Song fic. Yea, Jack gets to Santa Fe, yea, he lives on a farm, and yea this has no plot, just something I thought up.


Disclaimer- I don't own Jack and I don't own the song "How Do You Milk a Cow?" it's by Cledus T. Judd.

WOW, Race is on serious crack right now.  I have no idea where this story came from.  One minute I'm listening to my Cledus T. Judd cd and then I'm laughing my butt off at random thoughts of Jack and cows.  HEHEHEHEHEHE.

Yeah I was always the lazy one,   
A Southern Californian, 

Jack Kelly was actually not lazy and not from Southern California.  He was very hard working boy when he decided not to be a newsie anymore.  

  
But I've got some kinfolk on the Mason-Dixon line.   
So this summer just for fun 

Over the summer he decided to head out west, finally live his dreams of living in Santa Fe.  

  
Hopped in my DeLorean   
And headed for my uncle's farm for a short time. 

We he arrived he found out that he had an Uncle Saul out in Santa Fe.  He lived on a farm and Jack was going to stay with him.    
  
I thought that I would be huntin' and fishin'.   
I misunderstood him somehow. 

Jack figured that he would just hunt, fish, do stuff like that.  But Uncle Saul had a different idea.  Jack was put to work in the cow pen.

  
So far there's nothin' but chores here to mention.   
I didn't mind feedin the sows. 

He did his chores like a good boy.  He gave the cows food and water, took them out to pasture, and cleaned the stalls.  But there was one thing he just didn't understand.  
  
But HOW DO YOU MILK A COW?  
How do you milk a cow?   
I wasn't in FFA. 

He just couldn't milk the dang cow!  It just looked at him strangely.

  
This cow must think i'm crazy   
Up under it this way.   
I'm sittin' here a pullin', but there ain't nothin' comin' out. 

He tried and tried, but nothing would come out.  

"Ya stupid Heifer!"  Jack yelled at it.  The cow just stood there looking offended at the insult.

  
Oh E I E I O…  
How do you milk a cow? 

  
  
Yeah I love it here in Tennessee,   
But these farmers all make fun of me. 

He was in Santa Fe not Tennessee, so why the heck were there cow farms here?  He was laughed at by the hands and his cousins and wanted nothing more then to leave.

  
Can't haul much hay in a tiny sports car.   
So I got myself a 4 wheel drive,   
Learned to spotlight deer at night,   
And I've got shearin' sheep right down to an art. 

After awhile he started doing more then just taking care of the cows.  He hauled hay for the horses, hunted some deer, and sheared the sheep.  He soon learned to do these random chores perfectly.  
  
One thing's for sure,   
I hate shovelin' manure,   
It gets all over my overalls.   
Them horses need shoein'   
I hear Bessie mooin'.   
So I thought maybe I'd ask you all. 

He may have disliked some tasks, but he enjoyed almost everything.  While he was shoeing the horses he heard the cows in the next barn begin to moo.  
  
HOW DO YOU MILK A COW?   
How do you milk a cow?   
I think it's safe to say  
A man could get arrested for this in LA   
This heifer must be empty 'cause she ain't puttin out.   
Oh E I E I O,   
Tell me how do you milk a cow. 

Jack sat on the stool and stared at the meat in front of him.  

"Ya know in Manhattan there ain't no cows, I would probably gets picked up by da bulls if I brought ya home wit me.  Now PUT OUT!" he yelled.  
  
(Spoken)  
This song is absolutely an "udder" disaster.   
I hope I don't get mad cow diease.  
  
How do you milk a cow?   
I no longer care.   
I'm gettin sick and tired of smellin' dairy air.   
I'm headin' back to Cali   
And I'm turnin' in my plow.   
Oh E I E I O.   
How do you milk a cow?

After a month of all of this milking he hoped the first train to Manhattan and his uncle and cousins never saw him again.  He never wanted to see another cow again.  

Yea, hoped you like it.  Nothing special I know, just some stupid story that popped into my head.  Totally pointless.  But you have to admit, jack pulling at a cow and yelling at it does put some funny looking pictures into your head.  R&R.

KR!574N


End file.
